American's feet on the seats

America’s Greatest Export: Putting Feet on Public Seats

Everyone throughout the world has their own opinion about American influence. Hollywood movies are top of mind, as well as cell phones, the internet, cigarettes and blue jeans. Yet, a growing number of international observers now argue that America’s most transformative contribution to civilization is something far more profound:

Putting one’s feet on seats that other people are expected to use.

Whether on buses, trains, airport lounges, cafes, waiting rooms, libraries or any other public venue, Americans have elevated the simple act of putting feet on the seat into a cultural phenomenon. What began as a uncultured gesture has now matured into a national form of expression, complete with regional styles and unwritten rules that astonish tourists from around the world.

“The first time I saw it, I thought I was completely gobsmacked and out of touch,” recalled one British tourist. “Then I realized everyone was doing it. Some people were actually lying on the floor while putting their feet on the seats.” Through the last decade this behavior has started a global cultural movement.

Seattle’s mayor receives award at White House ceremony

Last Saturday, the President presented the Medal of Freedom to the mayor of Seattle who was closely flanked by others in her administration. After the medal was accepted, the Secretary of State came forward to express his gratitude for her “pioneering spirit” as Seattle residents are urged to keep their feet off the ground so as not to get stuck with hypodermic needles. During his congratulatory speech he stated that putting one’s feet on a public seat represents “the finest traditions of safety and the fundamental human right to be comfortable in a way that slightly inconveniences others.”

Interestingly, the speech was interrupted by a delegate from Japan who was protesting his neighbor’s foot which was resolutely resting on his chair.

Training the next generation

One reason for the American tradition’s endurance is its contribution to education. Children observe adults performing advanced seat-footing techniques and naturally emulate them in the classroom. Experts note that many young Americans are now embracing the practice which provides a better foundation for approaching STEM education like algebra and physics. It appears that adolescents are now demonstrating a remarkable proficiency and in fact are becoming increasingly creative with their classroom posture.

Adults in public transit speak in admiration of teenagers who are capable of putting shoes on seat backs, armrests and adjacent cushions all the while maintaining complete concentration on their cell phones. Such talent suggests a bright future for the progress of the nation.

As America moves into the future, experts predict continued innovation with ‘foot on seat’ placement. New techniques are already emerging. In fact, heavy set practitioners have already begun exploring multi-seat occupation and diagonal positioning.

Stoic philosophers weigh in

Not everyone has greeted the American movement with enthusiasm. A professor of urban ethics at the University of Beijing has published an essay claiming that ‘feet on the seat’ practice in public spaces represents “a fulcrum of individuality” and “a cessationism of communal state values.”

In response, a number of emails from Americans who had not read the essay happily agreed.

In Toronto, the Pied a Chaise Alliance against Nuclear Fission briefly rallied against the movement before fizzling out. It was determined that Canadians would rather participate while lying flat on the floor in solidarity during their ongoing unemployment.

A philosopher who recently led a rallying cry of what the foot-on-seat movement represents was Dr. Kenneth Owasu of the Nicene School of Social Thought. He wrote simply: “The Americans have decided that comfort is not a privilege but a right and that public space is a personal amenity. This is either the bravest trend a civilization has ever adopted or it will be the epitaph written on its tombstone. Possibly both.”

Conclusion: The Future Is Horizontal

Our feet are not going anywhere. If anything, they are only going up. Cultural quacks may debate the meaning; etiquette columnists may despair and transit authorities may post signs that no one reads but the movement’s trajectory is clear.

America has exported democracy, cell phones, fast food and cigarette smoking. And now, in its most significant contribution to global civilization it has given the world the right to put their feet up without apology. The citizens of the world, one sneaker at a time, is learning to follow.